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Fred Smith, assessment expert (retired from the New York City Board of Education) and part-time poet, published this poem today in the New York Daily News.
The night before New Year’s: A Message from Your President!
By FRED SMITH
NEW YORK DAILY NEWS – DEC 31, 2020
‘Tis the eve of the new year and in his White House
Sits a lame duck-tailed bad man with unsmiling spouse.
“This may be my last chance before my thoughts drift
To give all those who miffed me one parting gift.
Whether I liked them or hated, they can’t escape blame,
They’re bound to be “Fired” in my blazing endgame:
To my faithless AG and once true legal goon,
I leave Barr to flame out in a hot air balloon.
As to Mitch, the traitor, who acknowledged Joe’s win,
Here’s a carton of face masks to smother his chin;
And for Rudolph, the red-faced, sputt’ring buffoon,
Nothing’s better to drown in than a pool-sized spittoon.
The prize for Pompeo requires some thinking,
Backtracking on hacking without even blinking;
As for Doctor Birx, as well as for Fauci,
A pox on both jerks for making me grouchy.
To my dearest friends, Pelosi and Schumer,
A set of false teeth and an unbenign tumor;
Bah, to Gorsuch, Kavanaugh and Coney Barrett;
I’ll defrock the three for not being my parrots.
To NBC cable’s O’Donnell and Maddow,
Go choke on your words, and sleep in the shadow;
Which goes for CNN cronies, Tapper and Blitzer,
Have Cheez Doodles washed down with a Clorox-laced spritzer.
The Judiciary Committee and Adam Schiff
Will ride a one-way train, heading straight off a cliff;
For Masha, Colonel Vindman and Fiona Hill,
You uttered the truth; here’s a poisonous pill.
This thing ‘bout the virus and how many have died?
QAnon swears that every one of them lied;
That proves there are 300,000 folks hidin’;
No goodies for the “dead” who voted for Biden.
Of course, can’t forget those phony Obamas,
Who I’d exile to starve on an isle full of llamas;
And I have to keep waiting until one week hence
To decide what determines the fate of Mike Pence.
At last, I’ll heap ashes upon mini-Mnuchin,
Whose stimulus deal was smaller than a capuchin;
When I told my pet monkey to get a bill signed,
This blind four-year flunky failed to read my mind.
Allegiance to me must remain undiminished;
One step out of line and you know you are finished,
‘Cept for Putin, who says I lost the election;
For some weird reason I can’t spurn his defection.
Yet still, there are more who have sorely peeved me,
Who think I’m a fool and those who have grieved me:
And that would include all the world’s foreign leaders
Who laughed at my power, those dumb bottom feeders.
I’ll give them all coal to stuff in their crotches;
And spoiled milk to SNL which nobody watches.
There’s a surprise in store for Stephen Colbert;
It’s something set for ticking under his chair.
Forget about pardons and exoneration,
I truly deserve an extended vacation
Where I won’t have to pretend to read even one book;
And I’ll have full time for golfing and being a crook.
Now it’s almost midnight on this dark New Year’s Eve,
And a terrible time to be taking my leave.
But I swear I’ll keep tweeting my message of cheer
To do more for America this coming year.”
Smith, who worked for the New York City Department of Education, writes occasional poems.