Teacher Evaluations Teacher Tenure VAM (value-added modeling)

SomeDam Poet: The Night They Drove the Statisticians Crazy

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“The night they drove Statricksy down” (parody of “The night they drove Old Dixie down)

Thomas Kane is my name and I drove on the VAMville train

‘Til Audrey Beardsley came and tore up the tracks again.

After the ASA* paper knife , we were hungry, just barely alive.**

By twenty-fourteen, Rich man had fell.
It’s a time I remember, oh so well.

(*American Statistical Association, **only had $ 45 million from the “Rich man”, Bill Gates)

The night they drove statricksy down

And all the bells were ringing,

The night they drove statricksy down

And all the people were singing

They went, “Na,na,na.na,

Na na na na na na na na na.”

Back with my colleague, Raj Chet-ty, when one day he called to me,
“Thomas, quick, come see, there goes the Gatesly Billee!”
Now I don’t mind I’m choppin’ stats, and I don’t care if I’m paid by the brats
You take what you need and leave the rest,
But they should never have taken the VAMmy best.

The night they drove statricksy down
And all the bells were ringing,
The night they drove statricksy down
And all the people were singing
They went, “Na,na,na.na,
Na na na na na na na na na.”

Like my “Father”*** before me, I will work the VAM
And like my colleague before me, I took a junk-stat stand.
He was just 34, proud and brave,
but the ASA put him in his grave.
I swear by the mud below my feet
You can’t raise a Kane back up when he’s in defeat

(***William Sanders, Father of VAM)

The night they drove statricksy down
And all the bells were ringing,
The night they drove statricksy down
And all the people were singing
They went, “Na,na,na.na,
Na na na na na na na na na.”

The night they drove statricksy down
And all the bells were ringing,
The night they drove statricksy down
And all the people were singing
They went, “Na,na,na.na,
Na na na na na na na na na.”

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